When Ben turned eighteen earlier this year, it felt like a huge milestone for our family and maybe for me in my heart, too. Our children are all growing up and every time there is a milestone like this, the anticipation of it sometimes weighs heavy. That feeling of not being able to have a conversation with him, always wondering what he might be actually like now, what he might feel about the world as a grown up young man. What his interests might be and if they’ve changed much from six plus years ago?
I would like to believe that he would still adore movies, because he loved them and had a good grasp of stories and how films could make you feel. I like to think his humour would ripple through everything he turned his hand to and that laughter when he and the girls were all together would be loud and infectious.
Once the day had been and gone – and it was very quiet this year. I spent a lot of the day alone, as the family were all doing their own things and rightly so. Still, it gave me time to reflect and have a gentle day myself, which I did, thinking about and remembering Benny Beeps.
Many of his peers are now out in the world, reaching their own wonderful milestones in life, planning ahead, studying and travelling, imagining all that the universe has to offer them. It’s so magical and such a privilege to hear how his friends are doing.
I was chatting with someone today about this very situation. I know it’s hard. All of it. Grief. The feeling some days of sadness that Ben will never have the opportunity to achieve all he hoped and he wanted to do so much. However, I really believe that wherever he is now, striding the stars, he can see everything. He knows how the girls are getting on and as we celebrate their achievements, I feel he can draw closer. Sometimes we might even see a sign, like his name on a car registration plate or his favourite song on the radio on the day we are celebrating.
Sometimes, if I feel in pain in my heart, I try to feel each day more acutely, to look for the joyous moments, to laugh harder, to pay attention to the way the sunlight hits the trees or how my husband’s eyes screw up when he laughs.
Over the last six years of my own grief journey, I’ve learned how important living in the present moment can be and sometimes, the fear around letting go of the situation, the hurt, the unimaginable pain, maybe personal items, clothing, books … those end up being the very things that keep the trauma and sadness held stagnant in your body and you then feel you cannot move forward with your grief, let alone try and get on with anything else that might be waiting for you in your life path. It could be magic and joy and sparkles of light, but the agony of grief grips you so tightly, that you forget to enjoy the life you have yet to live for you.
In Ben’s 18th year, I have been determined to finish the memoir of his story and our family’s experience with cancer and I am so proud to say that I have managed it after seven years of writing on and off and I am now looking for an agent, in the hope of helping others walking a similar path.
While fundraising this year, it’s been important, again with him turning eighteen, to mark it in some way. Ben’s Epic 100 Days Activity Book is something that he was able to bring to fruition with me in its early stages, as we sat in Starlight Ward in Bristol during his stem cell transplant. And now, it feels right to try and bring it all together, so that next year, children on the wards when Ben was treated, can benefit from something that will keep them busy through the holidays and through treatment.
Time continues to fly by at a rate of knots and we continue to remember our son and brother and share little thoughts and moments, in the hope that it helps others to continue to speak their children’s names and know that grief doesn’t have to be an ending. It’s a changing of existence, it’s a transition and a time when you can grow.
I am so proud of all three of our children – our eldest and youngest in their creative and work endeavours. They are really finding their feet in life and doing brilliantly. Ben, as he strides the stars, I feel and hope, is living his life to the full where he is, while keeping a close eye on his sisters and sending inspiration from the skies.
